Befuzzled

I wish I could speak to someone in person the way I can in my head. I wish the words would come out just as they were planned in my head. Some things simply cannot be described with words, but some things can and I wish that when they can I had the ability to get them out. Instead I seem to go blank or stumble and crumble in the presence of the ones I love. Somehow I never really seem to be able to express my emotions or my love. I hardly ever come across as I intend to. How can I change that because I do not want to go on like this anymore. The people in my life I don't want to leave. I want to get closer to them as much as possible, but at the same time I keep getting a "stay back" vibe. I care enough that I wouldn't want to invade them or let them feel that way, but I can't seem to express myself. Why is it so hard to say goodbye? Why is it so hard to say anything of importance? Why is it I can understand when I should speak, when I shouldn't, and know that if there was a moment, an opportunity this is it, but still unable to find the words and simply watch the moment pass and always wonder if there will ever be another opportunity or if its all over. I find that I am rarely jealous. When I am it is usually not of tangible items. But jealous goes a long way with trust. I cant always seem to be able to trust myself. That is exactly why I don't drink. Yes I feel it's wrong, but I might could convince myself it's alright, maybe just a taste. But fearing what I might do...that is enough to hold me back. This world is so beautiful. Why do so many people have to ruin that? I believe that is the only thing i really have against mankind, although that does pretty much cover everything bad. This world is beautiful. SEX!

The Nutshell of My Summer

Well, It's August 12th, 2005. 2:12 am. Elaine's birthday. Exactly one week until move-in day. College life begins... This has been an eventful summer, full of drama, escape, adventure, beginnings, and ends. Although there was a good deal of time I was sick to my stomach with stress, and so many depressing thoughts weighing me down I've enjoyed my summer. For all those who don't know...my life in a nutshell (currently): I live at home, only for one more week, with my loving and enduring parents, my third oldest sister (who is going to UK as a graduate) with her twin boys (age four) and her daughter, my oldest sister, her fiance (Joel), and my adorable girl, Bagheera. Lisa, 3rd eldest, will be teaching adult ed. at Southern Elementary, my old school. Her daughter will be a new student there as well. Christy, my eldest, is getting married September 24th I believe. In the mean time she has no job and is working on this HUGE event, her wedding. That's not sarcasm. They say women dream of this day from the time their kids, and she's 31. I get to be an usher. Last time I was in a sisters wedding (both actually) I was the ring-bearer, that cute little boy who walks with that cute little girl. My parents stay busy trying to take care of a full house, paying for a wedding outside their budget, as well as get a car and a computer for their only son, all while trying to cover the huge bill for college. I dare not imagine their stress. And since most of you are not acquainted with my family, Lisa and Christy clash like no other. They are so much a like, both considered the wild ones of the family, as well as the artists, and both stubborn and independent. Sometimes living here I think I'm in an active volcano. It's hard to believe that summer is almost over, my last summer before my life takes its greatest turn yet. So many to see and so little time. The worst part...my best three friends as of less than a year ago have been so busy with work, or something I haven't gotten to see them for so long. BTW anybody know if Greg is okay? Chris is so busy he's managed to shoot right up the ladder. Soon he'll have his own pizza hut being one of the youngest store managers in Pizza Hut history. Because of that he will begin at UK in the spring, and I never get to see him. Greg seems to work too much, I assume he gets paid a good deal as well, and any free time he has seems to be when I have to work or when he can go see his girl. Logan. I don't quite no much about him anymore. He's a busy man. Our friendship seemed to take a dive for the worst, and with all my efforts to save it, or what was left...it seems to have vanished. I will never forget one long and hard conversation on a hot summer day, when we decided (or realized) that our friendship would never be the same again. That thought alone makes me sick and cold. Some pain strikes to deep and time can never ever heal. I love him more than a brother, and somehow I feel that it doesn't matter. And I feel that if I could ever just get the right words out things could change, but I never can. I will hope and pray, but what else can I do? Since those three have been out of my life for too long I have had the pleasure of getting to know my other three best friends soo much better. Witten is an awesome guy, and the more I get to know him the more I want know him. Kory, my longtime friend. As much as he's worked, and it's sucked b.c he seems to work 8-5 and I 5-9, we've gotten to hang out more than in the past at least, but not enough. Congrats on the new car btw, although I don't know if you actually have it yet. For those who don't know, Kory and I have been friends since 3rd grade I believe. Our friendship has dwindled and rekindled through the years and I believe we've been closer this summer than ever before. Last but not least, Esta. Next to Greg I've known her the shortest, and even more recent did I really start to hang out with her. She's one of the most complicated people I've met with a never-ending maze to her heart and soul. I don't believe I'll ever fully understand her, but somehow I never ever can regret any moment with her. She's one of the few girls I can be myself around, and treat her like one of the guys. That comfort has lead to a strong friendship that I hope never ends. Why is it that this moment is so sad to me? Things will never be the same, not just between me and Logan, but for all of us with anyone or anything, ourselves, even our families. Better or worse, things will change. There's no stopping it. And in most cases, all that we've ever known (been familiar with) will be gone, so very distant. The closeness we had in school I desire to have back...my senior year, my junior...in the past never to be changed. Friendships are many times shaped by the time spent. The friends you had more classes with you seemed to get closer to, and the ones you had known drifted away until the new schedule. I hate to think that because all my friends, most of them I've known for many years will be more distant, even if they're just a couple dorms away. And if we don't MAKE the time for each other then we'll forget each other, and that's what scares me. I could juggle seeing a great variety of friends, all being within 15 minutes of each other, now some may be 2, 3 or more hours. Yes we can make new ones, and I will have my share, but I still don't want to let go of the ones I've already got. Is that so hard to understand? College means the end of an era, one I've gotten too used to. But it also means the beginning of a new era. I'm not sure what lies ahead, but I'm willing to find out. With all my regrets, and all my desires that can't be fulfilled, all the errors I've made and all the pains we've gone through, that may never be healed, there is no reason why things can't start over new/fresh. A clean slate if you will, but don't let me stand alone. It's now a little after three, and I can't sleep because I'm going to see if there's a meteor shower at 4. I'm sure you're bored of this and me anyway. So for now, and until when I don't know, so long and the best of luck in college. A quote I live by:

Accept change, but only for good!

Please feel free to respond to this post. As long as it's been since I've posted anything I doubt anyone will even notice, but I think I have to many loose ends, and too much unfinished business for this to not spark an interest and receive a response. Goodnight, and God Bless!