Weak

I feel like breaking things. I wrote for an hour, maybe one of my deepest and most personal posts yet, and somehow I lost the entire thing. ::SCREAMS:: Why WHY did that happen? Was it not meant to come out? How could I ever repeat all that I just said? I'll try!

Do you ever feel weak all over? Like, something rather light just seems to heavy to lift. It really has nothing to do with your muscles but more your mind. I don't have a weak mind, but sometimes I believe I have a weak spirit. Maybe it's a lack of desire. I catch myself saying one thing and doing something else. As much as I like this city, the city I feel that it is slowly killing my spirit. I miss the beauty of nature in the country. I just need to get away and refuel.

Who are you? Who am I? Who are you to say that I'm not who I say I am? And me you? What is it that makes people want/have multiple personalities, sides, masks? I have had many sides. I never was being untrue to myself. Each side of me was really me. It just turns out that these people only saw this side of me and those people a different side. But somewhere along the line they all melted and mixed into each other. It's like taking several neat stacks of different categories of papers and shuffling them all into one big pile. As a result I seem to have mood... not swings, but changes. There is no consistency like before. You may see various sides of me. One good thing about having only side is that I have gained a spontaneity characteristic, which is new for me. But what I need to do is reorganize this stack of papers and then restack them in order to have no mask be be layered and deep.

I am a laid back kind of guy. There is no need to be complicated. I know people who really try to be complicated. Many times people seem to confuse being complicated with being deep. Being complicated may give the appearance of being deep, but they can actually be very shallow. Others are both complicated and deep. Which makes them appear to be even deeper, but this just leads to endless mazes. There is no reason to make things complicated. Just be yourself.

I want to change. Everyone should try to change. I want to change not because I don't like who I am, but because I realize I'm not seizing the day. There is so much more out there and I'm just watching it all pass by. I can be better. I can be more. I can do more. I want more. Why settle for something less?

---Some people feel that change is not of your control. In fact everything you are, none of it is really your control. It all goes back to the experiences you have had. If someone else was placed in every experience that you were in they would be exactly like you. That's not true. It's possible, but the experiences doesn't make the person. It is all based upon how that person reacts to it and their attitude about it. A good example is that of the pessimist and optimist. I know people who get very little sleep, live a very busy life, and complain about it, being negative toward life. Then I see others who get less sleep and have a busier life, given less time to themselves, but they accept their lack of sleep and busy life as part of college/life and can't wait to reap the benefits ahead of them, always positive and never complaining. It is also argued that people's attitudes in life are also based upon experiences from earlier in their life. I believe this is mostly true. But there's more to it than that. I believe astrology has something to do with it, ones birthday. Not all predictions from astrology is true, but i believe theres some truth to it. Also one's name. How many times have you thought, they don't look like a Michael or something like that? You characterize people by their names because people really do seem to be similar because of their name. Most importantly there is so much character that comes from genetics. This has been proven with children who have never known their parents and siblings and yet have similar personality traits. Even siblings may have similar interests in foods, movies, music, and clothes despite possibly never knowing each other.---

NO, I can change. It will take a good deal of deteremination and self-discipline and self-motivation as well as encouragement from my peers, but it can be done. The influence one can have on me by their encouragement or lack there of is strong. Please don't hold me back. I just have to create an image in my mind of what I want to be, to work toward. No one is or can be perfect because we're human. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with aiming for it. Set your goals high.

---shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars---

But first I have to understand myself. I'm learning fast. What is it I want? I fear? My priorities? My desires? I've got to go for what I want/need. It sure won't come on its own.

Lets be honest shall we. There are many times I haven't lied but let others think what they want and not specified whether its true or false. Sometimes I've encouraged others opinions of me because some how they came to a conclusion on their own that they obviously wanted to believe (maybe subconsciously).

Honestly:

• I have NEVER been drunk
• I have NEVER had sex
• I have NEVER smoked
• I HAVE been high on multiple occaisons
• I HAVE seen people having sex
• I HAVE seen real boobs and felt them and the like
• I HAVE watched porn
• I HAVE cussed
• I HAVE lost ones close to me

Pet Peeves:

• Stupid High School Drama and Jokes
• Drama Kings
• Gossipers and Rumors
• Forgetting Good Dreams
• Alarms that wake me up during a good dream
• A Lack of Communication (#1)
• A Lack of Concern
• Narrow-mindedness (You can be open-minded and narrow-minded both)
• Fakes, Posers
• Dishonesty, Untrustworthy
• Your Mom Jokes
• Negativity

As much as these things annoy the crap out of me, it'd be hypocritical of me to say I've never been apart of it. But there it is, to the best of my memory, what I had just posted and lost.